Neurosis is the Spice of Life: Overcoming Narcissism

If, when he was alive,  you ever saw my dad in a bow tie and a tweed jacket, you would have guessed that something self-conscious was going on there, prep school or no. If you saw me in younger years with tall, black hair and long, black fingernails, you may have suspected that I'd identified with the parent of the same sex somehow, that I had picked up a thing or two, maybe with some borrowings from mom too. There's a very unflattering name for the quality, but if the loafer or spiky boot fits, wear it. The word is narcissism.

I guess it's a weakness of identity, an obsession with constructing self that makes a person very... well... self-absorbed. And there we have a problem. I'm pretty big on the Golden Rule now, and there's little energy left for others during such a consuming building project. Effort that is directed outward is more in defense of a wobbly structure, and people can easily become objects, threats or allies in the battle for internal stability.

A narcissist seeks applause, he or she needs the help of others in holding up the rickety results of the labor. Of course, the whole process assumes an actor/audience division that leaves a person very lonely no matter how much recognition may come. Love can never be received or given directly.

You could call me a spiritual person in that I believe in growth, I believe that any internal problem can be tackled and overcome. It seems that narcissism is a matter of training, of getting parents' attention mainly by performing, so if it can be learned, it can be unlearned. I probably started on the task of change before I realized what I was doing, holding on to some idea I found in scriptures or other writings. I don't remember.

Settling in with Kat has changed things. Our relationship is still new, but at its core is something rock-solid that gives me a foothold on very hard-to-face questions. My need to express myself and the purpose in doing so is undergoing an overhaul. In the process of honing your skills at accepting another, you tend to learn to accept yourself more. You face your own ugliness because the happiness of another person is more important than pride.

Getting better sounds good, right? Well, I'm a little ambivalent about that lately. I think I've succeeded enough that I can step back and survey the results, and I find that, while I've gained a kind of peace, I've gotten stirred up in other ways. It seems that something's missing. Narcissism was like a comforting dogma, a narrowness that contained my life snugly and comfortably. It was a part of my emotional makeup for so many years, and I've become sorta... empty without it.

But then, if put into service for others, if stripped of its desperate urgency, maybe narcissism is more like a skill set. We're all born into certain states and situations, and we must do the best with what we've got. Can I construct a persona, can I entertain others to their benefit? Yes, I think I can. Laughter in itself is a wonderful gift. I have to use the tools I've got instead of letting bad habits of thought and feeling take me over. I have to stay open to giving and receiving love. That's all. I guess the Buddha was right in talking about a Middle Way. How silly I am that such ideas perpetually take me by surprise!

If you enjoy my blog at all, then consider how often stories pop up connecting online life and narcissism. Would I ever have bothered at all if posting here weren't so delightfully compulsive? Certainly not. Yes, there was a plan in the beginning, but I'm having trouble remembering just what it was. And what purpose is reading this right now serving in your own self-construction? If The Nervous Vegan has ever made your day a little nicer, it could be because I'm wrong in some fundamental way. And maybe you're wrong too. But I hope we're both better for the interaction.

You just can't let things consume you. To strive for purity is good, but don't forget the lesson that our various deities, at least in part, are held up to show us. We are always far from perfect, every one of us.

That's why this blog's slogan, and maybe even its doctrine, is Take it Easy on Yourself. You may need to change, you may need it badly, but don't beat yourself up. Hurting yourself won't get you where you need to be. Panic will only slow you down. It was probably some pain of your own that alerted you to the need for change in the first place, so why hurt yourself in the name of relieving pain? We're all wrong to one degree or another. It's part of what we are, just as striving to do better is a part of us.

You're just fine. Simply do what you must do. It will be okay. And so will I.

Wow, that was... all right out there. Just me. I guess I'm experimenting with bridging the gap between myself and others through expression again. I don't know if it's good blogging or not. But there it is.

Fishing with Beer-Can Tabs

I wouldn't, but you can. Well... okay, if the government collapsed or something and we were all fending for ourselves, and especially if Kat were hungry, I would fish. And I just might go looking around for a tab to turn into a hook.

I really don't want to be a spoiled American when it comes to my diet. Since it's so easy for me to avoid animal foods because of the variety available just around the corner, I need to remind myself to remain flexible. It's not healthy to take luxury for granted. Some people in far off lands eat grubs or whatever because it's the only solid protein available. That's just life. I eat the way I do for greater reasons, but I'm not a perfectionist.

Anyhow, here's a fine little piece of survivalist DIY art, don't y' think? Click the pic to learn more.



Kinda funny what you come across while looking up store-brand soda, huh?

Rock-On, Down-Low, Nothing-to-Lose... Diet... Cola?

I kid you not. That's what my soda can says. Rock on. Down low. Sparkle. Nothing to lose. Bubbly. All this is radiating from the head of a young fellow who seems to be having a seizure or a breakdown or something. Eh... what the heck? I mean, it's store-brand diet soda!

Just in case you think I'm messing with you, here's some evidence.



I guess someone must go for that kind of thing. I suppose that people who look over their shoulders and wait until the aisle is clear before choosing diet may need reassurance of a rather silly kind. Or maybe this is a common self image for store-brand diet soda drinkers. But maybe I'm over-rationalizing. Maybe it just makes no sense.

I looked up Publix Diet Cola, trying to find a good picture so I wouldn't have to take and tweak one myself, and I ran into something interesting. It seems that a blogger wrote the company in 2007, puzzling over the word "leaded" on the can. Apparently, some time between then and now, Publix decided that "rock on" is more appropriate. I wonder if the change was made as a result of the fellow's very email! Indeed, I already know that I'm sucking up a corrosive chemical soup, I really don't need lead poisoning on top of that. Yes, I know what it means. It's just kinda... embarrassing. Either very disingenuous or a quietly sardonic gesture.

And yes, I know that there are many reasons not to be drinking Publix Diet Cola now. It certainly ain't health food. Publix is a giant fish that ate a lot of big fish that ate up all the small, local fish. Recycling the can is not all that much better than throwing it away in terms of environmental impact. The fields of crops for the flavoring likely replaced forests, and the local workers who tend and harvest them are probably mistreated and paid very low wages. The absurdity of the label is unhealthy for both heart and soul. So, try as I may, maybe I'm still a decadent son of empire. I'm no more perfect than you, but I'll continue to improve and do my best.

And I may occasionally treat myself to some rock-on, down-low, sparkle, nothing-to-lose, bubbly diet soda. Mmm. Like I'm doing right now.

Some Advice

I know, I know, who am I to give advice? Well, being an advisor or a guru or whatever may be more a matter of bent and nerve than of wisdom, so why not? Here we go...

If you ever find yourself thinking critically of a person, whether in traffic or in intimacy, and you start building a case against another soul, just call your own failings to mind. Unless you're completely numb, a long list isn't hard to conjure.

So cool it. That other person is just like you. Why are you causing so much trouble for yourself? Relax a little, huh?

That's only one of many versions of the Golden Rule. Or compassion. Or whatever the heck you want to call it. Never mind the words, just do it.

Happy Ganesh Chaturthi!

The festival of Hinduism's beloved elephant-headed god begins today, so here are a few videos in his honor. This first one is a puja, a ritual of worship. I especially like the intro, and the little CG dancing Ganesha in the lower right-hand corner that shows up later on is pretty darn fascinating. Hindus certainly have the visual side of things down pat.



And for the curious, here's a fellow explaining some things...



Jai Ganesh Deva!

A Big Bowlful of Pink, Sugary Gender Creepiness for Breakfast

The sweetness starts in at the teeth, but then it tunnels its way to your very soul. "Squeak squeak squeak! Indubitably! Squeak squeak!" 



The hair... the... voice... the mannerisms... did I really live through this time? Am I gonna wake up soon and tell Kat about the oddly unsettling dream I had? You'll need to turn up the volume for this one, but do so at your own risk...



Squeak squeak squeak! There now, ladies, are you going to feel more secure in your identity and keep coming back to my blog? Or does it have to be pink with a huge head?

'Tis Himself!

Just a little note to let you know that I'm thinking of you. Just a wee little note saying that I haven't forgotten you. A tiny, leprechaun-sized note... an o'note... sure and begorrah...

Ehh, that's probably more than enough of the arbitrary Irish-stereotype thing. If I keep it up, I may offend readers, and maybe my great grandmother Mary McCarthy will show up to haunt me and... throw potatoes and cabbage at me.

Gee, it's awfully hard to stop one you've started.

What I'm saying is that I haven't given up on the blog, I just had a long... vacation, let's say. To sort things out and finally develop some focus for the thing. And here I am!

I'll be doing a little revamping and cleaning up, and maybe I'll delete some of the more pointless rants, especially political stuff that I hardly meant. I will keep the posts that have continued to bring in traffic however, at least for a while. I must say, more than a thousand hits for a neglected and unfocused blog ain't half bad. Thanks to all the people who kept coming even when I stayed away!

So raise your glass of Guinness, and toast the resurrection of The Nervous Vegan! May the cyber road rise to meet it...

Okay, that's it. It's best just to stop now.